Introduction – Childhood Origins of Adult Codependency

Do you find yourself constantly trying to rescue or fix others? Do you focus more on others’ needs than your own?

If this sounds familiar, you may struggle with codependency – and it likely stems from childhood.

Many of us women grow up in less-than-ideal family environments. We face emotional neglect, lack of support, and unhealthy dynamics. These conditions breed insecurity and an unhealthy need for external validation, planting the seeds for codependent patterns.

Let’s explore how childhood trauma sets the stage for codependency in adulthood. With self-compassion and commitment to change, we can heal and break free.

The Damaging Effects of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family

Dysfunctional family systems can include a variety of unhealthy dynamics:

• Lack of emotional support and attentiveness
• Poor or abusive communication
• High conflict, tension, or instability
• Parentification (role reversal where child cares for parent)
• Addiction or substance abuse
• Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse

Growing up surrounded by these conditions causes us to normalise the dysfunction. We learn unhealthy coping mechanisms as survival tactics that we carry with us unto adulthood.

Without proper nurturing and stability, we fail to develop a strong sense of self-worth and self-reliance. We absorb core wounds of feeling responsible for others, yet insignificant ourselves.

How Childhood Emotional Neglect Leads to Codependent Behaviours

One of the most insidious yet overlooked forms of childhood trauma is emotional neglect.

This occurs when parents consistently fail to respond adequately to a child’s emotional needs. The child’s feelings are dismissed, minimised, or ignored. Requests for love and support go unmet.

Remember, our caregivers did they best they could at the time. It may be that they themselves were part of a family unit that taught them these behaviours.

Since the neglect is passive, it’s harder to recognise as abuse. But make no mistake, it’s incredibly damaging.

Emotional neglect breeds poor self-esteem, extreme sensitivity to criticism, and an inability to identify or express feelings. We learn our needs don’t matter – so we strive to meet others’ needs instead.

Seeking Love Through Unhealthy Caretaking: Signs Of Codependency

Codependents often try to earn the love we didn’t receive as kids by compulsively caring for others. This manifests in:

• People-pleasing – Saying “yes” when we want to say “no” to gain approval. Seeking love in unhealthy places.
• Poor boundaries – Ignoring red flags or mistreatment to avoid conflict. Not knowing what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
• Caretaking – Constantly trying to fix others’ problems instead of keeping “our side of the street clean”.
• Controlling – Taking responsibility for others’ choices and lives. Ensuring they don’t get hurt or stressed out so they don’t react badly towards you.
• Poor communication – Not expressing needs to avoid abandonment.

These behaviours provide a superficial sense of value and connection. But they prevent true intimacy and perpetuate toxic dynamics.

Healing Your Inner Child: Overcoming Codependency from Childhood Conditioning

The key to breaking codependent patterns is learning to provide yourself the unconditional love and care you didn’t receive growing up. Effective strategies include:

• Self-affirmations – Combat negative self-talk with positive mantras like “I am enough.” Marisa Peer has a fantastic mediation you can find on Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeEvsUOu7ig
• Journaling – Explore your inner voice and get clarity on your needs/feelings. Write what you are feeling and thinking.
• Inner child work – Imagine dialoguing with your childhood self to provide nurturing. How would you talk to 6 year old you?
• Self-care – Make your needs a priority through rest, relationships, hobbies, etc. Putting yourself first is tough but even 20 minutes a day to yourself begins reclaiming yourself back from the world.

Re-parenting your inner child helps you develop self-reliance rather than seeking validation externally.

Setting Boundaries: Essential for Codependents Learning to Define Their Needs

A pivotal part of healing is establishing strong personal boundaries. This allows you to define your own needs rather than just reacting to others’ needs.

TIP:

Reacting or Re-acting means to re-enact the same behaviour over and over again.

Responding is pausing and then applying new behaviours to the situation.

Helpful strategies include:

• Saying “no” without guilt or over-explaining. You have the right so say “no” and not have to justify your response.
• Not taking responsibility for others’ emotions/problems. Don’t get caught up in other people’s drama.
• Speaking up about mistreatment or disrespect. You teach people how you wish to be treated and to what standard.
• Making self-care a non-negotiable priority. Start with 20 minutes a day to yourself with no commitments to others. Go for a walk, have a bath, read a book, meditate…
• Allowing others to experience natural consequences. It’s tough to see others suffer but allowing them to have their own experience means they may learn from it.
• Exiting toxic relationships/friendships. Noticing when you feel low vibe or stressed after seeing your friends and seeing less of them is helpful.

Enforcing boundaries compassionately but firmly creates the space for healthy connections.

Conclusion – There is Hope: How to Heal from Codependency Rooted in Childhood Trauma

If you see yourself in this post, know that codependency is not your fault. But it is your responsibility to heal. (Read that again!)

By uncovering the childhood roots of codependency and doing the inner work to re-parent yourself, you can break free. You are worthy of love just for being you – not what you do for others.

If you’re ready to establish boundaries and find freedom, check out my audio course “Breaking Free of Codependency” for practical guidance tailored to your unique needs. With courage and commitment, you can create healthy, fulfilling relationships. The work is hard but so worth it. 

With power & grace,

Carolynne